I haven’t been writing much lately. I guess my writing has always been a way to release my anxiety and a way to figure out the confusion in my heart. This is a confusion that no longer exists for me. I get up every day with a resolution now, with a confidence that pushes me onward. There is no backward stepping now. This dream that has felt uncertain and unusual is now a reality.
Tonight I went for a short walk through my city, my home. I listened to songs that for years gave me the strength to make it here and are now a tribute to this life and the confidence I hold knowing I can do anything I put my mind to. One song in particular has held a special place in my heart. I listened to it on repeat to get me through my toughest college days. Every word I believe in, every word I’ve repeated like a mantra and a prayer.
The Story doesn’t exactly fit mine, for reasons that don’t need an explanation. But the chorus, those words are words I believe more than I can express. Life is too short to not take chances.
“The Chance” Julie Roberts
I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned, her words came alive
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And out here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time
Yeah, I am my mother's child
And tonight in this car
I've got her words in my suitcase
and dreams in my heart
As I roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance"
Years into living this life here, I still look around like a child and smile. I just can’t believe my life. All my long held dreams are a reality, all my years of hard work are paying off ten fold. Hell, they are paying off 100-fold. I am so grateful for all the sad days and the dark days, because now my peaceful and abundant life mean that much more to me. The help I received to keep my debt down is the biggest reason why I am financially able to live this new life just months away. I am so grateful for the love in my life, for the bravery that is now kissing my daily existence. There is no more fear, just excited anticipation for the adventures around the corner.
This decision to do this is my life’s greatest gift, a decision that I anticipate will be most grateful for when I am settled. There will be no regrets, no speculation as to what my life would be like “if only”. The people that have passed that journey before me only have amazing things to say; only encouraging words and “that was the best year of my life”. I thank God every day that he has taken away my fear, that I never gave up in the face of the overpowering and almost devastating insecurity I used to suffer when considering this path. I couldn’t forget about it or let it go, yet I couldn’t imagine doing it either for more than a few weeks at a time.
Now I’ll have this life of my dreams. To live life with no regrets, that seems like true freedom to me. To survive this life through facing fears and breaking your barriers is the liberty that angels sing about. It’s not easy or a short-lived endeavor to come to this summit, but to have arrived literally brings tears to my eyes. And isn’t that truly living? To “live to the point of tears”. (Albert Camus)
