Encouragement from Liz

I have decided that it is time to re-read my very favorite book, "Eat, Pray, Love". 

In all areas of my life, I am so incredibly focused and organized... until it comes to reading. I read handfuls of books at a time, and then half-way through them, head to the bookstore to buy more when I already have an impressive stack of unread books waiting for me at home.

 Anyways, this is off the subject. I am re-reading this book of adventures because I somehow have lost my way on "confident and excited" street and am certainly finding myself here on "I'm so nervous and scared" boulevard. Its like I'm listening to a record that's stuck on repeat and an unable to get up to change the disc. I am relieved though, to tell you that my resolve still is stable and conviction unwavering. I'm just... well.. nervous, and scared. So... a here's a little "your about to experience the most amazing time of your entire life" CPR. 

Here is a very long but funny page from "Eat, Pray, Love" that so completely makes me feel better. It's like Elizabeth Gilbert is saying, "I feel ya kid, its gonna be alright."

"Truthfully, I'm not the best traveler in the world. 

I know this because I've traveled a lot and I've met people who are great at it. Real naturals. I've met travelers who are so physically sturdy they could drink a shoebox of water from a Calcutta gutter and never get sick. People who can pick up new languages where others of us might only pick up infectious diseases. ... People who are the right height and complexion that they kinda look halfway normal where ever they go- in Turkey they just might be Turks.. in Mexico they are suddenly Mexican...

I don't have these qualities. First off, I don't blend. Tall and blond and pink-complexioned, I am less a chameleon than a flamingo. Everywhere I go but Dusseldorf, I stand out garishly. ... 

And, oh, the woes that traveling has inflicted on my digestive tract! ... I've experienced every extreme of digestive emergency. In Lebanon I became so explosively ill one night that i could only imagine I somehow contracted a middle eastern version of the Ebola virus. ...

Still, despite all this, traveling is the great true love of my life. I have always felt,... that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice. ... I feel about travel the way a new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless newborn baby- I just don't care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because its mine. It can barf all over me if it wants to-I just don't care. 

Anyway, for a flamingo, I'm not completely helpless..  I can make friends with anybody. I once made friends with a war criminal in Serbia. .. If there isn't anyone else to talk to, I could probably make friends with a four-foot-tall pile of Sheetrock. This is why I'm not afraid to travel to the most remote places in the world, not if there are human beings there to meet. People asked me before I left for Italy, "Do you have friends in Rome?" and I would just shake my head no, thinking to myself, but I will"

Yes, Elizabeth Gilbert, I shall read your book to knock myself out of this self-imposed worry wart virus. Change your perspective and you change your world. 

The really great thing is this; the universe is giving me nothing but a giant pat on the back. I am getting the most favorable, kind and excited words from all those I talk to. My hair dresser, my insurance agent, the guy who changed my oil... they all light up, grinning ear to ear, declaring, "WOW, you are going to have the most amazing time, meet so many people.. I'm so happy/jealous!!" I definitely can't complain that I don't have love and support from even the most distant of strangers. So thank you, world, for your comfort and reassurance! 

Now, back to you, Elizabeth. 

a BIG year.

Tomorrow is my 26^th birthday. Life is not where I thought it would be when I turn 26. I think maybe I assumed that I would be so grown up, so settled, married. Instead, I am doing the scariest thing in the world for me.  The past couple weeks I have been more scared than excited. The time has come to renew my lease for the next year, and I’ll be renewing it for a couple months only. Now, now it is getting serious. I am so scared. When you are this afraid, you feel trapped. I can’t seem to get out of my thinking into the bright happiness I had before.

 

But the thing is… I know this is part of the deal. I know there are going to be scary times, and elated times. I understand and accept that being this afraid makes it that much more worth it. Being afraid means I am real, and that this is a big deal.

 

I am not one of “those” travelers. I am not a hippie, I don’t go with the flow. I am a type A personality; I plan and organize and analyze. I can’t go to a street vendor and eat the food and NOT wonder if it’s clean. I don’t have a stomach of steel (quite the opposite). I am responsible, and educated, and cautious. And now.. I am about to embark on a trip that will force me to “go with the flow”, and put myself out there, and be afraid. This trip will literally be the death of me. I will never be the same. It will take who I am and stretch and expand and morph myself into a bigger and brighter soul.

 

I have written this before; this dream has chosen me more than I have chosen it. This is meant to be. If my grandparents were here, I’d probably cry on their shoulders. But as I sit here feeling the fierce magnitude of my life, I don’t change my mind. Not even for a second. I have taken this journey and have accepted my assignment. And as much as I feel unequipped, I have other compelling qualities that are the sound reason for any confidence. I am strong. I am cautious. I can make friends anywhere. I am organized, and therefore can plan ahead and wont put myself into a bad situation. I have a sense of adventure that has run through my veins since childhood, and an independence that cannot be denied. I have the most supportive friends and family then anyone could ever ask for. I am not soft spoken. If someone messes with me I will NOT take it. I have money, and money makes the world go around. I have a credit card that can get me back home at anytime, from anywhere. There is nothing to be afraid of, I am well equipped. I am obviously talking to my fear here, but already I feel better. I will make it through this fear. I will make it through this fear. Life, like a pendulum, always swings both ways. For months before this fearful period I would cry tears of happiness and feel excitement screaming through my veins. Each time I make it through, I am stronger. The fear means that I am not romanticizing, I am not in la-la land. I understand and accept the pros and cons of this adventure. The biggest pro of all, though, is that I am living a dream. This is my life’s gift.

 

A quote on my fridge:

 “This is why we need to travel. If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t life to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.”  Letters to my Son by Kent Nerburn. 

Sweet Dream of Mine

I haven’t been writing much lately. I guess my writing has always been a way to release my anxiety and a way to figure out the confusion in my heart. This is a confusion that no longer exists for me. I get up every day with a resolution now, with a confidence that pushes me onward. There is no backward stepping now. This dream that has felt uncertain and unusual is now a reality.

Tonight I went for a short walk through my city, my home. I listened to songs that for years gave me the strength to make it here and are now a tribute to this life and the confidence I hold knowing I can do anything I put my mind to. One song in particular has held a special place in my heart. I listened to it on repeat to get me through my toughest college days. Every word I believe in, every word I’ve repeated like a mantra and a prayer.

The Story doesn’t exactly fit mine, for reasons that don’t need an explanation. But the chorus, those words are words I believe more than I can express. Life is too short to not take chances.

“The Chance” Julie Roberts

I found a book that my mama kept

Filled with secrets she hid

And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read

About a woman I never met

Who had dreams just like mine

With every page that I turned, her words came alive

Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train

I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance

If I just had the chance

A tear fell on that faded page

'Cause this was somebody else

Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself

But the times, they were different then

And lines just didn't get crossed

And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost

Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train

I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance

If I just had the chance

The chance that she never had

Is now the gift that is mine

And out here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time

Yeah, I am my mother's child

And tonight in this car

I've got her words in my suitcase

and dreams in my heart

As I roll out of town like a run-away train

I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance

While I still have the chance

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance

While I still have the chance"

Years into living this life here, I still look around like a child and smile. I just can’t believe my life. All my long held dreams are a reality, all my years of hard work are paying off ten fold. Hell, they are paying off 100-fold. I am so grateful for all the sad days and the dark days, because now my peaceful and abundant life mean that much more to me. The help I received to keep my debt down is the biggest reason why I am financially able to live this new life just months away. I am so grateful for the love in my life, for the bravery that is now kissing my daily existence. There is no more fear, just excited anticipation for the adventures around the corner.

 This decision to do this is my life’s greatest gift, a decision that I anticipate will be most grateful for when I am settled. There will be no regrets, no speculation as to what my life would be like “if only”. The people that have passed that journey before me only have amazing things to say; only encouraging words and “that was the best year of my life”. I thank God every day that he has taken away my fear, that I never gave up in the face of the overpowering and almost devastating insecurity I used to suffer when considering this path. I couldn’t forget about it or let it go, yet I couldn’t imagine doing it either for more than a few weeks at a time.

Now I’ll have this life of my dreams. To live life with no regrets, that seems like true freedom to me. To survive this life through facing fears and breaking your barriers is the liberty that angels sing about. It’s not easy or a short-lived endeavor to come to this summit, but to have arrived literally brings tears to my eyes. And isn’t that truly living? To “live to the point of tears”. (Albert Camus)

6 Month Countdown....

6 months. I leave in 6 months. I called multiple agencies today to get quotes on RTW tickets. “I wanna fly to Amsterdam, then leave from Athens to Bangkok, Bangkok to Auckland, Auckland to Sydney….

 

…No return flight.”

 

I’ll have flexible dates and 6 months to fly. By that point I plan on being in Australia and will no longer have anywhere else to go but back to the states. No time limit. No rules. I haven’t really told anyone yet. I don’t care to. It doesn’t matter. Now is the time for me to mentally prepare.. and learn Italian. Oh what fun learning Italian is. .. that quixotic nation with it’s romance language. I love it. I’m not sure what learning Italian will bring me, but I do know that I am driven to study a little bit each day. The motivation comes to me like oxygen. Every day I study a little more… because.. I can.

 

Tonight I am watching ‘Julie and Julia’ for the second time this week. It’s a lovely, true story about two women from different times, living in different countries, following their passions blindly with the world bending to support them. I love these stories because they are honest with vulnerability and hope. I love them because I can feel their infatuation and excitement. I love them because I feel their craze and delight when blindly following an open and endless road.

 

Could all this be for nothing? Shall I leave everything behind only to find a black void on the other side? I suppose it’s a possibility. I bet there are people who give it all up to find their yellow brick road is nothing but an illusion. Only then will I be able to come home and rest easy knowing that I went, and I saw.

 

I’m pretty sure though, that the whispers of my angels are not in vain. I’ve ignored them for far too long and woke up from walking the streets of Rome in my dreams enough to know without a doubt that there is something on the other side.

 

Maybe we are all old souls reincarnated in each life to achieve certain goals. Each go around we hope to grow a little wiser and learn certain lessons until we have reached the capacity of the Gods. Only then can we fly. Maybe, despite living a seemingly ordinary life, we all have a purpose to conquer, and until then even a flutter of a butterfly can send you reeling into that small “thing” that you have overlooked for years. You will not be able to forget it, not for a day, not for a minute. Maybe it’s not a physical thing like foreign adventures and facing the fear of being alone. Maybe it’s learning to believe in yourself, or to turn away in the face of convention. Maybe it’s learning to love, or finding self worth. We each have our lessons. And we are together and at the same time alone to fight each lifetime. This I believe.

 

 It seems most people have a theme in their life. Something seems to follow them and repeat itself consistently throughout their days. Whether or not they choose to see it makes no difference. Most people turn a blind eye and this is where addictions stem from. The addictions allow them to temporarily fill the hole, to shut off the repetitive reminders of their heart, and forget. It’s never enough though, never enough.  It’s a way to run away. It’s a dependency to distract. It will never be enough, and the first step is just to recognize this.

 

I believe my theme is acceptance and worth. From a young age, if I wasn’t being rejected by others, I was rejecting myself. Even still, I yearn for the acceptance of certain people to feel adequate. I don’t put much value on it but I recognize that its there. I too, have invalidated a great deal of my own feelings (you shouldn’t live this dream, you shouldn’t let him go…) I know this now, and its incredibly healing. Everyone is dealing with something. I see my compulsion and I’ve come a long way. I still have a ways to go, but if I actually make it through to this journey (recognize – my doubt in myself) I think it will be a HUGE step for me. There will be lots of learning, and lots of writing. You can’t thrust yourself into the unknown with no comforts or loved ones, and not learn to lean upon yourself and trust your own soul.  Your old, authentic soul.. if you can learn to believe in yourself. 

Enduring Ache

She’s having family night. All the children and even their significant others are getting together for a big dinner and bonding. All my siblings will be there..  everyone but me. I’m not included in family night, because I am not considered family. I am not invited. I will never be invited. I now understand when people say words can ‘knock the wind out’ of them.

 

The words slowly dripped from his mouth. Every syllable, every letter crashed into me like shrapnel.  Before he even finished his sentence I knew it was going to be bad. I knew he was going to say something involving her and an event I’m not allowed at. Even now it’s still hitting me in waves. Why does it still feel so raw? Why is the rejection still so strong? How do you ever get over a parent shrugging aside your existence?

 

I am shaking with chills running through my body. Damn her and all the pain she has and will continue to cause me. Damn her. I think people assume because it has been about 6 years since my last real conversation face to face with her that I’m ok with it all. They must think I’m ok with not only not having a mother, but sitting aside and listening to all my close siblings have that one person in their life that I have lost forever.. the same person. It’s not ok. I’m not ok with it. It may be old news, but the pain is still throbbing and raw. It is not ok.

 

How would I explain this pain? It is not the same as a death of a parent, she is not dead. It is not the same as a parent not being around, she is around. It is abuse. It is the shame a child feels when a parent screams “you are worthless.”  How could she be this way? It feels merciless.

 

I guess there is nothing to do but keep moving forward.  This is what life is about. Some times it is abundant in it’s love for you, other times you hold on until the rain passes.

 

I thank God for the Love in my life. She may follow cruel rules, but I have Unconditional Love. I thank God for those people. 

LoVElY BoNEs

“You can't get around the fact that bones are symbols of death. If you are dreaming about a skeleton it does not necessarily mean that you are dreaming about physical death. This is a good dream because it is telling you that you may need to begin "filling up" with feelings, adventures, ..or general enthusiasm for life. It may be that your style of living and relating to people has been "bare to the bone" and your soul can't take it any more! So, lighten up psychologically; eat the fruits of life and fatten up!”  -Experience Festival.

 

skel·e·ton (noun)

          1. Basic frame something is built around

2. Something with only essential parts left

 

 

They’ve been non-stop; every week is a new frightening dream. Every week I spend at least one day haunted by the images from the night before. They’ve all started not ironically when I had yet another dream about traveling that figuratively woke me up… again. I had given it all up, let this travel dream go.. again. So it found me in my most vulnerable state.. in my dreams. 

 

 One evening during my Christmas break I dreamed that I was in Italy for the weekend; I was wandering around aimlessly and found an old ruin in Rome in the Jewish Ghetto. It was one of those dreams that left me heartbroken when I woke. I have been to this building before, during my first and only trip to Rome this past summer. It was sunny out in my vision, mid morning, and I dropped to my knees and whispered a prayer.  Finishing my request to the Gods, I blew a heartfelt kiss to the heavens. I’m not sure what I said in my plea, but ever since that night I have been haunted with shocking dreams about bones and skeletons. Each week brings me more skeleton dreams.. every week, something new to haunt not only my slumber but my waking hours as well. Last night I cut myself and could see right into my finger and was staring directly at the bones of my pinky, I could see it all, clear as day, just open there. Last week’s nightmare consisted of me cleaning someone’s teeth and as I looked into their mouth I saw their whole hip skeleton,.. Every thing; the ball and socket of her leg bone going into her pelvis,.. it was shocking. Before that it was a face that out of the sudden was a skeleton. I was cleaning this persons teeth and suddenly they were a skeleton. I keep seeing these bones, and being a person that remembers vividly all her dreams, I can tell you that this… this is new.

 

Some may not believe in the theory that your dreams can reveal your subconscious works, but I do. I have had dreams that very symbolically tell of the future in some way, some dreams that actually foretold of a future day exactly. About 7 years ago I told a friend of a random dream and touched me for some reason, despite the fact that there was nothing significant that happened. Weeks later, while on vacation up north in Michigan, I saw that vision exactly. I hopped in my dad’s truck and headed to the nearest payphone excitedly to call her. I believe in dreams.

 There is another significant correlation between all these dreams.. I’m always at work… always. Every time its bones, horror… and work. This really does not come as a shock to me, and anyone who I confide in would also attest to the fact that my work has the ability to send me reeling into a spiral of hurt and anger. This office and the politics involved are the number one source of pain in my life, besides that of my distant, almost non-existant mother.

 

Months back, in one of my many diaries I noted;

 “ I am unconscious. Waves and whispers ripple through me, giving me shivers of who I really am, all I really could be if I’d just open my eyes and reach out to.. myself. So many times I am reminded of my ignorance. It’s a simple, “I know better” throughout the day, or an even simpler pull. I am at the point of exhaustion from that pull. There is a life and a sunset and a plot of existence that is waiting for me. Every day that I don’t give my full acceptance to this calling, is another day I become more numb and at the same time in more pain. .. pain that is bordering on obsession.

 I hate boxes. They are ugly and sharp and way too containing. I want to see life in a new way. I want to see life and all its glory kicking up a sunshine storm in the dead of winter. I want authenticity. I can’t stand my life in all its dull senses and repetition. I can’t stand it. I live in a box. I live in a box with dull people. Time to break free, time to break out of here before I implode into myself.. and disappear completely.

 The great changers of reality all carved a new existence for themselves. None followed convention. I am an artist. I’m not exactly sure what will come of this, but I know like the breath inside me that it will be beautiful. It will be everything I forgot I knew. And it’ll be hard, and lonely.  I’m figuring it out as I go. Like Sabrina Ward Harrison always said, “If you don’t go, you don’t see.”

 It’s nice to say I don’t quite feel this unhappy or freaked out anymore, I think because I’m rested and assured in my resolve to move on and do this. I don’t have to be sad, I don’t have to think about it constantly. I’m going. End of story. I don’t feel less than whole in this life, I don’t feel the need to find worth or acceptance through staying or leaving. I’m happy here, at least in the life I’ve made if not so much the work I do. I've had to figure this all out, one issue at a time. I've pulled this dream apart from every seam, from every angel to make sure my intentions are pure. I can say now that I am leaving in the name of living dreams and experiencing adventures .. because I can. Because I want to. I am leaving because I have my whole life to live in Chicago and be comfortable, and work, and pay bills, and lay all day on a Sunday on my couch and watch re-runs. I have forever to do just that, along with caring for children and dogs and a husband. Right now, however… its just lovely little me. I’m going to run with that.. literally.

 A couple nights ago during my last shocking dream of ‘subconscious neglect’, I awoke panting and screaming, “I GET IT!! I KNOW.”  I know.

Hopeless Romantic

There is this natural phenomena of life happening, and everyone except me seems to be eagerly jumping in. I'm so intrigued by this because it's so foreign to me; some sort of link unconnected or gene passed over. 

I look through photos of close friends with arms wrapped around their husbands, hands placed on an expecting belly, they seem so happy. I want that too... someday.  But instead of laying foundations and settling in, I'm running clear in the opposite direction... still. 

I want to live with reckless abandon, love uninhibited, walk around foreign cobblestone streets and flirt daily with adventure. I want to take this life for all its worth, face my fears, and write poetry on a cliff in Italy. I feel way too young to entertain the thought of buying a house and making babies. I have my whole life to settle down and be comfortable. 

I've tried abandoning this fate, looking desperately for love and even forced it unsuccessfully within relationships. Every night I've looked around into the eyes of strangers, seeking my answer that cannot yet be held.

This marriage idea actually seems to be running from me as fast as I am it. But to be truthful, I don't see this life for me just yet. Living in Holland, I just didn't ever fit in, and despite clicking quite nicely in Chicago for a couple years, my life again seems to be moving elsewhere. Some place a little more authentically the life that flows through my veins. Some place that matches the beats of my heart song. 

Maybe, it's possible on another dimension that this is Home for me. Possibly involving a young woman; returned a few years older and centuries wiser and more cultured. This time coming back home to rest her world-traveled legs and put her dancing shoes on a mantel with endless stories to tell. Only time has the answers. Answers that will only be found by living them through till the end. 

Love will guide me. Love has already been guiding me for years. It guided me into a loving home in college, it guided me into the life of my dreams in Chicago, and today it is guiding me still. I'm learning that to wish so soon to jump with the rest of my comrades into a quiet life with white pickets surrounding would surely be the death of me and my dreams. 

So for now, sweet love of mine, where ever you may be, I'm throwing in the towel. 

I surrender. It will happen when it will happen. I know you, I see you, and I miss you. But like I've said for years, we shall cross paths when we are both doing what we love, which may possibly be the same thing. I will just know, and you will know, and it will be like breathing again. 

Until then it will feel like stutters and gasps, until then.. love of my existence, I will patiently wait. 

       ... Dear Void

     .. Dear End of my Endings

     Dear Beginning of Everything.