So I told him; heart beating and palms sweating. He stood there, eyes glazed over and confused. “I don’t think I have ever heard of anyone having this conversation before..” he states through bloodshot tears. I couldn’t help but sigh, “yeah.. this isn’t exactly conventional..”

 

 

 

Never ever before have I had this sort of conviction. My Dream has moved from “if” to “when”. Some people are not in favor, some would rather me not, and therefore they don’t exactly hold my hand in this. But this only re-confirms my strength in moving ahead. I have been here before, this has all step by step occurred in times past..  despite the apparent lack of faith I have triumphed. So I counted down in my head… “One, two, three… GO!”… Nothing. So I try again. The TV blurs in the background, chuckles responding. I smile. Nothing.

 

Damn.

 

“Okay, Jill. You NEED to say something. “  I suck in air. “One, two three…..” Suck in more air… nothing.

 

Eventually, 2 painfully slow hours later, I tell myself, ‘enough with the obvious prolonging of the inevitable’… and I start.

 

“So… I’ve had this Dream. I’ve been dreaming of doing this for five years now…” And I tell him. Two hours following.. I am walking my best friend out the door, and hugging him goodbye. I know it seems a little mellow dramatic… but it needed to be done. I couldn’t go any further in this relationship without telling him that it had an expiration date. Now here I am again; oh I recognize this feeling… its called “alone”. My gut is telling me I may be feeling this a lot more in the following months. Better though, to be alone, than to be a liar. To continue on in a relationship where your partner sees marriage and you see the door is only poisoning yourself more than it is the other.

 

So I cried for my loss, and I call my constant. Its 1 am his time, and I cry some more for my loss. The Dalai Lama stated, “Great Love and Great Achievement involve Great Risk…” .. I don’t know what life will hold in the next year. But I do know that today… when it comes to my Dream.. I gave it my all. As long as I follow this guideline, I don’t see anything in my future but the horizon.