“Take into account that great love and great achievements..
involve great risk” Dalai Lama
Life here in Chicago is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. It’s HOME to me. Everything about this city I love (well.. besides the winters, which can be quite depressing). I adore everything from the packed and crazy summer street festivals, to the thriving nightlife, to the scrumptious restaurants on every corner. I have changed here. I have grown and morphed into this woman that I can be proud of. I’ve learned street smarts and tasted culture and made new friends and lost new friends. The most important part though, the most amazing gift that life in this city has brought me, is a place that I will hold forever in my heart as the first place that I have truly called HOME. I sit in my apartment as I write this, feeling like this little nook was uniquely carved out just for me. This home is perfect; I could easily be a content homebody in this place. I look forward, every night, to being home.
That YES is will forever reverberate, it echoes and weaves itself through each and every memory that has made up my life here. The hundreds of pictures, the trips and festivities… my whole life has led up to this moment.
And now I’m leaving.
I find myself wondering and doubting my decision, the questions in my head chasing themselves in circles. “Why would I leave all this? Why do I have to follow this dream, why can’t I be content with staying here?” “why, why? WHY”
Because I’m sick of dreaming of what could have been. I’m sick of hearing of people traveling and feeling instant guilt/remorse/jealousy. I feel like chasing down college kids screaming, “STUDY ABROAD!!! STUDDDDYY ABBRROOAADDD!!!!!!!” like a crazy madwoman. This life is no dress rehearsal. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines; I’m willing and ready to take this life for what it is and stop wondering. I want to live the dream, dance through my passions. Four years now. Four years I’ve lived my life with one foot out the door. Four years my intuition, my gut, every day tapping my shoulder asking if I’m ready to listen yet. I’m leaving because if I don’t do this, I’ll never be content. If I don’t do this, I will live the rest of my life with regrets bigger then I’ve ever known. I’m doing this because every cell in my body is telling me I need to go. When you feel something this strong.. you don’t question it. You don’t question it because despite logic and common sense, you know .. you just KNOW its right.
Holding on to this dream, it burns, it pains me. It’s a light of fire, its passion and intense love. Every day that passes, this obsession ingrains itself into the fibers of my being. Do you not understand? I feel that one day I’ll look back and feel the same intense pain but at that time it’ll be at the thought that I almost let this slip past my fingertips.
Chicago, Oh Chicago. Yes, I’m leaving, but there is great comfort in knowing that Chicago and all its beating authenticity will be
Right HeRe.. waiting for me..
If I shall ever return….
Home Sweet Chicago.. It's time to go now. This is meant to be. This is in my stars. I am supposed to go. And I won’t come back. This is not scary. This is exhilarating. This dream that for years has scared me to death, will bring me back to life.
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