6 Month Countdown....

6 months. I leave in 6 months. I called multiple agencies today to get quotes on RTW tickets. “I wanna fly to Amsterdam, then leave from Athens to Bangkok, Bangkok to Auckland, Auckland to Sydney….

 

…No return flight.”

 

I’ll have flexible dates and 6 months to fly. By that point I plan on being in Australia and will no longer have anywhere else to go but back to the states. No time limit. No rules. I haven’t really told anyone yet. I don’t care to. It doesn’t matter. Now is the time for me to mentally prepare.. and learn Italian. Oh what fun learning Italian is. .. that quixotic nation with it’s romance language. I love it. I’m not sure what learning Italian will bring me, but I do know that I am driven to study a little bit each day. The motivation comes to me like oxygen. Every day I study a little more… because.. I can.

 

Tonight I am watching ‘Julie and Julia’ for the second time this week. It’s a lovely, true story about two women from different times, living in different countries, following their passions blindly with the world bending to support them. I love these stories because they are honest with vulnerability and hope. I love them because I can feel their infatuation and excitement. I love them because I feel their craze and delight when blindly following an open and endless road.

 

Could all this be for nothing? Shall I leave everything behind only to find a black void on the other side? I suppose it’s a possibility. I bet there are people who give it all up to find their yellow brick road is nothing but an illusion. Only then will I be able to come home and rest easy knowing that I went, and I saw.

 

I’m pretty sure though, that the whispers of my angels are not in vain. I’ve ignored them for far too long and woke up from walking the streets of Rome in my dreams enough to know without a doubt that there is something on the other side.

 

Maybe we are all old souls reincarnated in each life to achieve certain goals. Each go around we hope to grow a little wiser and learn certain lessons until we have reached the capacity of the Gods. Only then can we fly. Maybe, despite living a seemingly ordinary life, we all have a purpose to conquer, and until then even a flutter of a butterfly can send you reeling into that small “thing” that you have overlooked for years. You will not be able to forget it, not for a day, not for a minute. Maybe it’s not a physical thing like foreign adventures and facing the fear of being alone. Maybe it’s learning to believe in yourself, or to turn away in the face of convention. Maybe it’s learning to love, or finding self worth. We each have our lessons. And we are together and at the same time alone to fight each lifetime. This I believe.

 

 It seems most people have a theme in their life. Something seems to follow them and repeat itself consistently throughout their days. Whether or not they choose to see it makes no difference. Most people turn a blind eye and this is where addictions stem from. The addictions allow them to temporarily fill the hole, to shut off the repetitive reminders of their heart, and forget. It’s never enough though, never enough.  It’s a way to run away. It’s a dependency to distract. It will never be enough, and the first step is just to recognize this.

 

I believe my theme is acceptance and worth. From a young age, if I wasn’t being rejected by others, I was rejecting myself. Even still, I yearn for the acceptance of certain people to feel adequate. I don’t put much value on it but I recognize that its there. I too, have invalidated a great deal of my own feelings (you shouldn’t live this dream, you shouldn’t let him go…) I know this now, and its incredibly healing. Everyone is dealing with something. I see my compulsion and I’ve come a long way. I still have a ways to go, but if I actually make it through to this journey (recognize – my doubt in myself) I think it will be a HUGE step for me. There will be lots of learning, and lots of writing. You can’t thrust yourself into the unknown with no comforts or loved ones, and not learn to lean upon yourself and trust your own soul.  Your old, authentic soul.. if you can learn to believe in yourself. 

Enduring Ache

She’s having family night. All the children and even their significant others are getting together for a big dinner and bonding. All my siblings will be there..  everyone but me. I’m not included in family night, because I am not considered family. I am not invited. I will never be invited. I now understand when people say words can ‘knock the wind out’ of them.

 

The words slowly dripped from his mouth. Every syllable, every letter crashed into me like shrapnel.  Before he even finished his sentence I knew it was going to be bad. I knew he was going to say something involving her and an event I’m not allowed at. Even now it’s still hitting me in waves. Why does it still feel so raw? Why is the rejection still so strong? How do you ever get over a parent shrugging aside your existence?

 

I am shaking with chills running through my body. Damn her and all the pain she has and will continue to cause me. Damn her. I think people assume because it has been about 6 years since my last real conversation face to face with her that I’m ok with it all. They must think I’m ok with not only not having a mother, but sitting aside and listening to all my close siblings have that one person in their life that I have lost forever.. the same person. It’s not ok. I’m not ok with it. It may be old news, but the pain is still throbbing and raw. It is not ok.

 

How would I explain this pain? It is not the same as a death of a parent, she is not dead. It is not the same as a parent not being around, she is around. It is abuse. It is the shame a child feels when a parent screams “you are worthless.”  How could she be this way? It feels merciless.

 

I guess there is nothing to do but keep moving forward.  This is what life is about. Some times it is abundant in it’s love for you, other times you hold on until the rain passes.

 

I thank God for the Love in my life. She may follow cruel rules, but I have Unconditional Love. I thank God for those people. 

LoVElY BoNEs

“You can't get around the fact that bones are symbols of death. If you are dreaming about a skeleton it does not necessarily mean that you are dreaming about physical death. This is a good dream because it is telling you that you may need to begin "filling up" with feelings, adventures, ..or general enthusiasm for life. It may be that your style of living and relating to people has been "bare to the bone" and your soul can't take it any more! So, lighten up psychologically; eat the fruits of life and fatten up!”  -Experience Festival.

 

skel·e·ton (noun)

          1. Basic frame something is built around

2. Something with only essential parts left

 

 

They’ve been non-stop; every week is a new frightening dream. Every week I spend at least one day haunted by the images from the night before. They’ve all started not ironically when I had yet another dream about traveling that figuratively woke me up… again. I had given it all up, let this travel dream go.. again. So it found me in my most vulnerable state.. in my dreams. 

 

 One evening during my Christmas break I dreamed that I was in Italy for the weekend; I was wandering around aimlessly and found an old ruin in Rome in the Jewish Ghetto. It was one of those dreams that left me heartbroken when I woke. I have been to this building before, during my first and only trip to Rome this past summer. It was sunny out in my vision, mid morning, and I dropped to my knees and whispered a prayer.  Finishing my request to the Gods, I blew a heartfelt kiss to the heavens. I’m not sure what I said in my plea, but ever since that night I have been haunted with shocking dreams about bones and skeletons. Each week brings me more skeleton dreams.. every week, something new to haunt not only my slumber but my waking hours as well. Last night I cut myself and could see right into my finger and was staring directly at the bones of my pinky, I could see it all, clear as day, just open there. Last week’s nightmare consisted of me cleaning someone’s teeth and as I looked into their mouth I saw their whole hip skeleton,.. Every thing; the ball and socket of her leg bone going into her pelvis,.. it was shocking. Before that it was a face that out of the sudden was a skeleton. I was cleaning this persons teeth and suddenly they were a skeleton. I keep seeing these bones, and being a person that remembers vividly all her dreams, I can tell you that this… this is new.

 

Some may not believe in the theory that your dreams can reveal your subconscious works, but I do. I have had dreams that very symbolically tell of the future in some way, some dreams that actually foretold of a future day exactly. About 7 years ago I told a friend of a random dream and touched me for some reason, despite the fact that there was nothing significant that happened. Weeks later, while on vacation up north in Michigan, I saw that vision exactly. I hopped in my dad’s truck and headed to the nearest payphone excitedly to call her. I believe in dreams.

 There is another significant correlation between all these dreams.. I’m always at work… always. Every time its bones, horror… and work. This really does not come as a shock to me, and anyone who I confide in would also attest to the fact that my work has the ability to send me reeling into a spiral of hurt and anger. This office and the politics involved are the number one source of pain in my life, besides that of my distant, almost non-existant mother.

 

Months back, in one of my many diaries I noted;

 “ I am unconscious. Waves and whispers ripple through me, giving me shivers of who I really am, all I really could be if I’d just open my eyes and reach out to.. myself. So many times I am reminded of my ignorance. It’s a simple, “I know better” throughout the day, or an even simpler pull. I am at the point of exhaustion from that pull. There is a life and a sunset and a plot of existence that is waiting for me. Every day that I don’t give my full acceptance to this calling, is another day I become more numb and at the same time in more pain. .. pain that is bordering on obsession.

 I hate boxes. They are ugly and sharp and way too containing. I want to see life in a new way. I want to see life and all its glory kicking up a sunshine storm in the dead of winter. I want authenticity. I can’t stand my life in all its dull senses and repetition. I can’t stand it. I live in a box. I live in a box with dull people. Time to break free, time to break out of here before I implode into myself.. and disappear completely.

 The great changers of reality all carved a new existence for themselves. None followed convention. I am an artist. I’m not exactly sure what will come of this, but I know like the breath inside me that it will be beautiful. It will be everything I forgot I knew. And it’ll be hard, and lonely.  I’m figuring it out as I go. Like Sabrina Ward Harrison always said, “If you don’t go, you don’t see.”

 It’s nice to say I don’t quite feel this unhappy or freaked out anymore, I think because I’m rested and assured in my resolve to move on and do this. I don’t have to be sad, I don’t have to think about it constantly. I’m going. End of story. I don’t feel less than whole in this life, I don’t feel the need to find worth or acceptance through staying or leaving. I’m happy here, at least in the life I’ve made if not so much the work I do. I've had to figure this all out, one issue at a time. I've pulled this dream apart from every seam, from every angel to make sure my intentions are pure. I can say now that I am leaving in the name of living dreams and experiencing adventures .. because I can. Because I want to. I am leaving because I have my whole life to live in Chicago and be comfortable, and work, and pay bills, and lay all day on a Sunday on my couch and watch re-runs. I have forever to do just that, along with caring for children and dogs and a husband. Right now, however… its just lovely little me. I’m going to run with that.. literally.

 A couple nights ago during my last shocking dream of ‘subconscious neglect’, I awoke panting and screaming, “I GET IT!! I KNOW.”  I know.

Hopeless Romantic

There is this natural phenomena of life happening, and everyone except me seems to be eagerly jumping in. I'm so intrigued by this because it's so foreign to me; some sort of link unconnected or gene passed over. 

I look through photos of close friends with arms wrapped around their husbands, hands placed on an expecting belly, they seem so happy. I want that too... someday.  But instead of laying foundations and settling in, I'm running clear in the opposite direction... still. 

I want to live with reckless abandon, love uninhibited, walk around foreign cobblestone streets and flirt daily with adventure. I want to take this life for all its worth, face my fears, and write poetry on a cliff in Italy. I feel way too young to entertain the thought of buying a house and making babies. I have my whole life to settle down and be comfortable. 

I've tried abandoning this fate, looking desperately for love and even forced it unsuccessfully within relationships. Every night I've looked around into the eyes of strangers, seeking my answer that cannot yet be held.

This marriage idea actually seems to be running from me as fast as I am it. But to be truthful, I don't see this life for me just yet. Living in Holland, I just didn't ever fit in, and despite clicking quite nicely in Chicago for a couple years, my life again seems to be moving elsewhere. Some place a little more authentically the life that flows through my veins. Some place that matches the beats of my heart song. 

Maybe, it's possible on another dimension that this is Home for me. Possibly involving a young woman; returned a few years older and centuries wiser and more cultured. This time coming back home to rest her world-traveled legs and put her dancing shoes on a mantel with endless stories to tell. Only time has the answers. Answers that will only be found by living them through till the end. 

Love will guide me. Love has already been guiding me for years. It guided me into a loving home in college, it guided me into the life of my dreams in Chicago, and today it is guiding me still. I'm learning that to wish so soon to jump with the rest of my comrades into a quiet life with white pickets surrounding would surely be the death of me and my dreams. 

So for now, sweet love of mine, where ever you may be, I'm throwing in the towel. 

I surrender. It will happen when it will happen. I know you, I see you, and I miss you. But like I've said for years, we shall cross paths when we are both doing what we love, which may possibly be the same thing. I will just know, and you will know, and it will be like breathing again. 

Until then it will feel like stutters and gasps, until then.. love of my existence, I will patiently wait. 

       ... Dear Void

     .. Dear End of my Endings

     Dear Beginning of Everything.