Hopeless Romantic

There is this natural phenomena of life happening, and everyone except me seems to be eagerly jumping in. I'm so intrigued by this because it's so foreign to me; some sort of link unconnected or gene passed over. 

I look through photos of close friends with arms wrapped around their husbands, hands placed on an expecting belly, they seem so happy. I want that too... someday.  But instead of laying foundations and settling in, I'm running clear in the opposite direction... still. 

I want to live with reckless abandon, love uninhibited, walk around foreign cobblestone streets and flirt daily with adventure. I want to take this life for all its worth, face my fears, and write poetry on a cliff in Italy. I feel way too young to entertain the thought of buying a house and making babies. I have my whole life to settle down and be comfortable. 

I've tried abandoning this fate, looking desperately for love and even forced it unsuccessfully within relationships. Every night I've looked around into the eyes of strangers, seeking my answer that cannot yet be held.

This marriage idea actually seems to be running from me as fast as I am it. But to be truthful, I don't see this life for me just yet. Living in Holland, I just didn't ever fit in, and despite clicking quite nicely in Chicago for a couple years, my life again seems to be moving elsewhere. Some place a little more authentically the life that flows through my veins. Some place that matches the beats of my heart song. 

Maybe, it's possible on another dimension that this is Home for me. Possibly involving a young woman; returned a few years older and centuries wiser and more cultured. This time coming back home to rest her world-traveled legs and put her dancing shoes on a mantel with endless stories to tell. Only time has the answers. Answers that will only be found by living them through till the end. 

Love will guide me. Love has already been guiding me for years. It guided me into a loving home in college, it guided me into the life of my dreams in Chicago, and today it is guiding me still. I'm learning that to wish so soon to jump with the rest of my comrades into a quiet life with white pickets surrounding would surely be the death of me and my dreams. 

So for now, sweet love of mine, where ever you may be, I'm throwing in the towel. 

I surrender. It will happen when it will happen. I know you, I see you, and I miss you. But like I've said for years, we shall cross paths when we are both doing what we love, which may possibly be the same thing. I will just know, and you will know, and it will be like breathing again. 

Until then it will feel like stutters and gasps, until then.. love of my existence, I will patiently wait. 

       ... Dear Void

     .. Dear End of my Endings

     Dear Beginning of Everything.