“You can't get around the fact that bones are symbols of death. If you are dreaming about a skeleton it does not necessarily mean that you are dreaming about physical death. This is a good dream because it is telling you that you may need to begin "filling up" with feelings, adventures, ..or general enthusiasm for life. It may be that your style of living and relating to people has been "bare to the bone" and your soul can't take it any more! So, lighten up psychologically; eat the fruits of life and fatten up!” -Experience Festival.
skel·e·ton (noun)
1. Basic frame something is built around
2. Something with only essential parts left
They’ve been non-stop; every week is a new frightening dream. Every week I spend at least one day haunted by the images from the night before. They’ve all started not ironically when I had yet another dream about traveling that figuratively woke me up… again. I had given it all up, let this travel dream go.. again. So it found me in my most vulnerable state.. in my dreams.
One evening during my Christmas break I dreamed that I was in Italy for the weekend; I was wandering around aimlessly and found an old ruin in Rome in the Jewish Ghetto. It was one of those dreams that left me heartbroken when I woke. I have been to this building before, during my first and only trip to Rome this past summer. It was sunny out in my vision, mid morning, and I dropped to my knees and whispered a prayer. Finishing my request to the Gods, I blew a heartfelt kiss to the heavens. I’m not sure what I said in my plea, but ever since that night I have been haunted with shocking dreams about bones and skeletons. Each week brings me more skeleton dreams.. every week, something new to haunt not only my slumber but my waking hours as well. Last night I cut myself and could see right into my finger and was staring directly at the bones of my pinky, I could see it all, clear as day, just open there. Last week’s nightmare consisted of me cleaning someone’s teeth and as I looked into their mouth I saw their whole hip skeleton,.. Every thing; the ball and socket of her leg bone going into her pelvis,.. it was shocking. Before that it was a face that out of the sudden was a skeleton. I was cleaning this persons teeth and suddenly they were a skeleton. I keep seeing these bones, and being a person that remembers vividly all her dreams, I can tell you that this… this is new.
Some may not believe in the theory that your dreams can reveal your subconscious works, but I do. I have had dreams that very symbolically tell of the future in some way, some dreams that actually foretold of a future day exactly. About 7 years ago I told a friend of a random dream and touched me for some reason, despite the fact that there was nothing significant that happened. Weeks later, while on vacation up north in Michigan, I saw that vision exactly. I hopped in my dad’s truck and headed to the nearest payphone excitedly to call her. I believe in dreams.
There is another significant correlation between all these dreams.. I’m always at work… always. Every time its bones, horror… and work. This really does not come as a shock to me, and anyone who I confide in would also attest to the fact that my work has the ability to send me reeling into a spiral of hurt and anger. This office and the politics involved are the number one source of pain in my life, besides that of my distant, almost non-existant mother.
Months back, in one of my many diaries I noted;
“ I am unconscious. Waves and whispers ripple through me, giving me shivers of who I really am, all I really could be if I’d just open my eyes and reach out to.. myself. So many times I am reminded of my ignorance. It’s a simple, “I know better” throughout the day, or an even simpler pull. I am at the point of exhaustion from that pull. There is a life and a sunset and a plot of existence that is waiting for me. Every day that I don’t give my full acceptance to this calling, is another day I become more numb and at the same time in more pain. .. pain that is bordering on obsession.
I hate boxes. They are ugly and sharp and way too containing. I want to see life in a new way. I want to see life and all its glory kicking up a sunshine storm in the dead of winter. I want authenticity. I can’t stand my life in all its dull senses and repetition. I can’t stand it. I live in a box. I live in a box with dull people. Time to break free, time to break out of here before I implode into myself.. and disappear completely.
The great changers of reality all carved a new existence for themselves. None followed convention. I am an artist. I’m not exactly sure what will come of this, but I know like the breath inside me that it will be beautiful. It will be everything I forgot I knew. And it’ll be hard, and lonely. I’m figuring it out as I go. Like Sabrina Ward Harrison always said, “If you don’t go, you don’t see.”
It’s nice to say I don’t quite feel this unhappy or freaked out anymore, I think because I’m rested and assured in my resolve to move on and do this. I don’t have to be sad, I don’t have to think about it constantly. I’m going. End of story. I don’t feel less than whole in this life, I don’t feel the need to find worth or acceptance through staying or leaving. I’m happy here, at least in the life I’ve made if not so much the work I do. I've had to figure this all out, one issue at a time. I've pulled this dream apart from every seam, from every angel to make sure my intentions are pure. I can say now that I am leaving in the name of living dreams and experiencing adventures .. because I can. Because I want to. I am leaving because I have my whole life to live in Chicago and be comfortable, and work, and pay bills, and lay all day on a Sunday on my couch and watch re-runs. I have forever to do just that, along with caring for children and dogs and a husband. Right now, however… its just lovely little me. I’m going to run with that.. literally.
A couple nights ago during my last shocking dream of ‘subconscious neglect’, I awoke panting and screaming, “I GET IT!! I KNOW.” I know.
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