6 months. I leave in 6 months. I called multiple agencies today to get quotes on RTW tickets. “I wanna fly to Amsterdam, then leave from Athens to Bangkok, Bangkok to Auckland, Auckland to Sydney….
…No return flight.”
I’ll have flexible dates and 6 months to fly. By that point I plan on being in Australia and will no longer have anywhere else to go but back to the states. No time limit. No rules. I haven’t really told anyone yet. I don’t care to. It doesn’t matter. Now is the time for me to mentally prepare.. and learn Italian. Oh what fun learning Italian is. .. that quixotic nation with it’s romance language. I love it. I’m not sure what learning Italian will bring me, but I do know that I am driven to study a little bit each day. The motivation comes to me like oxygen. Every day I study a little more… because.. I can.
Tonight I am watching ‘Julie and Julia’ for the second time this week. It’s a lovely, true story about two women from different times, living in different countries, following their passions blindly with the world bending to support them. I love these stories because they are honest with vulnerability and hope. I love them because I can feel their infatuation and excitement. I love them because I feel their craze and delight when blindly following an open and endless road.
Could all this be for nothing? Shall I leave everything behind only to find a black void on the other side? I suppose it’s a possibility. I bet there are people who give it all up to find their yellow brick road is nothing but an illusion. Only then will I be able to come home and rest easy knowing that I went, and I saw.
I’m pretty sure though, that the whispers of my angels are not in vain. I’ve ignored them for far too long and woke up from walking the streets of Rome in my dreams enough to know without a doubt that there is something on the other side.
Maybe we are all old souls reincarnated in each life to achieve certain goals. Each go around we hope to grow a little wiser and learn certain lessons until we have reached the capacity of the Gods. Only then can we fly. Maybe, despite living a seemingly ordinary life, we all have a purpose to conquer, and until then even a flutter of a butterfly can send you reeling into that small “thing” that you have overlooked for years. You will not be able to forget it, not for a day, not for a minute. Maybe it’s not a physical thing like foreign adventures and facing the fear of being alone. Maybe it’s learning to believe in yourself, or to turn away in the face of convention. Maybe it’s learning to love, or finding self worth. We each have our lessons. And we are together and at the same time alone to fight each lifetime. This I believe.
It seems most people have a theme in their life. Something seems to follow them and repeat itself consistently throughout their days. Whether or not they choose to see it makes no difference. Most people turn a blind eye and this is where addictions stem from. The addictions allow them to temporarily fill the hole, to shut off the repetitive reminders of their heart, and forget. It’s never enough though, never enough. It’s a way to run away. It’s a dependency to distract. It will never be enough, and the first step is just to recognize this.
I believe my theme is acceptance and worth. From a young age, if I wasn’t being rejected by others, I was rejecting myself. Even still, I yearn for the acceptance of certain people to feel adequate. I don’t put much value on it but I recognize that its there. I too, have invalidated a great deal of my own feelings (you shouldn’t live this dream, you shouldn’t let him go…) I know this now, and its incredibly healing. Everyone is dealing with something. I see my compulsion and I’ve come a long way. I still have a ways to go, but if I actually make it through to this journey (recognize – my doubt in myself) I think it will be a HUGE step for me. There will be lots of learning, and lots of writing. You can’t thrust yourself into the unknown with no comforts or loved ones, and not learn to lean upon yourself and trust your own soul. Your old, authentic soul.. if you can learn to believe in yourself.
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