Enduring Ache

She’s having family night. All the children and even their significant others are getting together for a big dinner and bonding. All my siblings will be there..  everyone but me. I’m not included in family night, because I am not considered family. I am not invited. I will never be invited. I now understand when people say words can ‘knock the wind out’ of them.

 

The words slowly dripped from his mouth. Every syllable, every letter crashed into me like shrapnel.  Before he even finished his sentence I knew it was going to be bad. I knew he was going to say something involving her and an event I’m not allowed at. Even now it’s still hitting me in waves. Why does it still feel so raw? Why is the rejection still so strong? How do you ever get over a parent shrugging aside your existence?

 

I am shaking with chills running through my body. Damn her and all the pain she has and will continue to cause me. Damn her. I think people assume because it has been about 6 years since my last real conversation face to face with her that I’m ok with it all. They must think I’m ok with not only not having a mother, but sitting aside and listening to all my close siblings have that one person in their life that I have lost forever.. the same person. It’s not ok. I’m not ok with it. It may be old news, but the pain is still throbbing and raw. It is not ok.

 

How would I explain this pain? It is not the same as a death of a parent, she is not dead. It is not the same as a parent not being around, she is around. It is abuse. It is the shame a child feels when a parent screams “you are worthless.”  How could she be this way? It feels merciless.

 

I guess there is nothing to do but keep moving forward.  This is what life is about. Some times it is abundant in it’s love for you, other times you hold on until the rain passes.

 

I thank God for the Love in my life. She may follow cruel rules, but I have Unconditional Love. I thank God for those people.