A Motherless Figures Part II

A Motherless Figures Part II

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten…

… we belong to eachother…”
• Mother Teresa

Reading my words from 5 years ago, I can’t help but feel my heart break a little. I can still see her; the scared and scarred young girl that I used to be. Page after page I read on of heart break and rejection, page after page of prayers and hopes of a new life to come; a life filled with freedom and love and adventure. It is a life that every morning I open my eyes now and thank God for. A life that as a strong young woman I am proud to say is mine. Teardrop after teardrop, I’ve made this life of mine, and every single teardrop was worth the freedom I breathe now.

I can’t help but ponder though, after remembering my past life, did those dark days affect me? Do those scars dent my daily life with coping mechanisms? Issues? Fears? Surely I couldn’t make it out of that sort of life battle without some sort of war wounds. I can’t help but wonder… like Carrie Bradshaw asks in relation to fathers,

Does a mother figure.. figure?

There isn’t much out there in the way of research of the psychological effects of motherless women, emotionally and/or physically distant mothers. I did find one source of information from missingmother.com;

“Motherless women tend to be non-traditional, original thinkers, purpose-driven, compassionate, sensitive, intuitive and creative. Just some famous women who grew up without mothers: The Sisters Bronte, George Eliot, Marie Curie, Eleanor Roosevelt, Virginia Woolf, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, Maya Angelou, Carol Burnett, Jane Fonda, Liza Minelli, Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, and Oprah Winfrey. This list does not include women who were emotionally abandoned, since this condition is not as obvious to the world.”

Many Disney characters were also motherless; Ariel, Bell, Cinderella, Princess Jasmine, etc. The typical motherless heroine is one who is adventurous, and free spirited.. someone who made their own rules from lack of a role model and maybe had a little more freedom to do so with no “mother hen” looking out for them.

Most of the slightly more negative research I have found is that the motherless grow up without an obvious role model, no idea of attachment, they are more “harsh” and “tough”.. with a “get over it” mentality. They have no base security or feeling of home/belonging, and almost more masculine in their abilities; more of what I can DO than who I AM. They sometimes demonstrate a fear of abandonment and have a strong desire to prove.


Reading this I felt instantly reassured. This is ME!! Some of those qualities are strong parts of who I am; the good, the bad, and the ugly. And those are my people! It explains so much, I feel like I have found where I belong, and WHY. I understand a little now why I’m so non-conformist and unconventional. All because in my past I learned to live by my own rules (still do), I learned to never accept “no” for an answer, and I learned to fight a little harder a little longer. I found poetry in my life and life in my days. I’m a fighter, because I’ve had to be. And now my life is a wide tapestry of poetry.

This journal isn’t meant to bad-mouth my mother. It’s also not a victimized account of why I had it “rough”. Everyone has/is dealing with their own demons. But I am living without her, and have been for a long time. Even when she was around, she wasn’t around, and I just knew there had to be traits within me because of my life’s storms. I just wanted to be aware.

I have found peace with my mother, and I can say that I do look upon this with “bright eyes” now that I’ve moved above and beyond. To her credit, my mother also gave me the greatest gift of my life…

To make a very long story short, my first couple years of college were the life and death of me. Despite the chaos of full time schooling and work, being dis-fellowshiped from the only religion I’ve ever really known, and my rapidly fading health,… I was happy. Actually, I was miserable but I had a peace in my heart because I was doing the ONE thing that would bring me the life of my dreams and SAVE me;

I was going to school.

Unfortunately, going to school wasn’t easy for me. With all the different stresses I had bearing down on me, my immune system couldn’t keep up. I was sick.. and all the time. We didn’t know what was wrong with me, and test results kept coming back negative. I was underweight and malnourished. Not being able to help me herself, my Mom did the only thing she could;

She gave me my Grandparents.

One night changed everything, and New Years 2005 I moved in with the two people who are now my best friends. It wasn’t always easy, but my entire life changed. I learned to love and be loved in return, I learned what family and support felt like, and I completely flourished. I gained 15 pounds, I gained my health back, and I gained my family.

And that has made all the difference.

We all just need someone to believe in us.

Because of that love, I have learned to fly. I am living all my childhood dreams and almost daily cry tears of happiness because I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I couldn’t ask for more. And this past Mother’s Day, I realized that I have a mother figure after all.. my grandmother.

So I guess being motherless figures after all. Because of my apparent lack,

I have gained the entire world.