How can I explain what I am feeling now? I’m desperate to put my world into words, and hopelessly fail every time.
The misty rain coats the outside of my windows tonight. The Sears Tower is whittled down into a nub as the surrounding clouds take over the city and all it’s glory. The sights and sounds are muffled in the deep trenching rain and wind. Everything is quieted in the overwhelming noise of raindrops coating the steal and cement of the city. Everything is quiet; like my whole life.. moving in slow motion.
I can tell you that one emotion I am feeling tonight would be peace. .. and pride. I am so proud of myself. There are times in everyone’s life where you are faced with something so incredibly scary and you just KNOW that the only direction you can move in is .. forward. You can’t look back, and you can’t stop. You know that despite the fear of the unknown, there are fireworks in that black night. After living through multiple victories, I now know that above all else, I can believe in myself. No matter what happens, I will take care of myself, and I will be brave when I need to be. I’ve shocked myself lately by responding to a question with a shrug and a “I’ll figure it out”. Excuse me?? I would have NEVER said that even a year ago. This is a place where faith leads you; a place where you can trust and lean upon yourself, a place of deep peace in who you are and the life you have chosen to live. It really is a lovely place to reside in.
Through living my dreams of going to college, surviving dental hygiene school and boards, moving away from Holland and moving to and living successfully in Chicago, I have earned the titles of “faith in myself” and “strength”. All these dreams were right, all were known by my intuition, all were hard, and ALL were scary. Being scared is not an unknown or an unfamiliar territory. This by far is the biggest and scariest dream, but also the most fascinating and exciting and life changing. The degree of passion sometimes is followed by the same extreme degree of fear. That’s when you know that it will be and is already.. WORTH IT. I have surrendered. The confusion disappeared as soon as the questions fell away. I have accepted the grace of my angels and the teardrops of the demons that used to haunt me at night.
My whole world is about to change. Everything that I’ve worked so hard for is disappearing and appearing at the same time. One chapter ends as another begins. All the comforts that I relish in are fading into nothing; my job, my car, my family, my savings… my home. It’s all about to disappear, and all I’ll have is .. myself. It’ll be me.. and the world. No buffer, no apparent luxuries.. except time. All I’ll have is time.
I’m definitely scared. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. And there is no way to prepare, no way to know what to expect, no shoulder to cry on, no hand to hold. I have no idea what to expect of MYSELF. Will I charge each day and meet it with confidence? Will I cry myself to sleep in the beginning? Will I stay until each country physically kicks me out? Or will I be ready to go home after 6 months? How will my body react? Will I get sick? Will my stomach recognize or process the extreme change in food and temperature? There is no other option anymore but to follow my Love, to let go, and to fall. I keep searching for security in another’s eyes, something that will bring me comfort in knowing I am not alone and that I will be safe. But this isn’t that sort of path that I’m following. This isn’t about safe and secure. I’ve had that, I have that now.. yet I find all I crave is the adventure.
So fall I will; I will collide fully into the depths of everything I am and morph into completely new dimensions. I will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I’ve prayed and now it is time; time to let myself live this life that I have fought so hard for. It is time to fly
No comments:
Post a Comment