A Motherless Figures

A Diary I wrote from January 2005

“To My Grief”

I have tried to let it go
I have tried to move on,
Release the grip,
Forgive..

Many affirmations later, I am still breathless with the pain.
And so we talked
I spoke softer words,
so the harsher ones wouldn’t have room.

I soared beyond my maturity,
and apologized for words unspoken

I felt her deep anger,
And she listened to my tears

There was a letting go,
A certain sorrow beyond our ability to understand

There is no capacity to control these sad circumstances
And a frustration that must be released

The loneliness has multiplied
I feel even more now earth’s gravity clinging to me;
My feet unable to lift,
And move away from this place.

“I don’t know,” she says quietly, “if these words sounds hollow..
but I do love you, Jill”

At that moment, I released my breath
And exhaled my rejection.

I cried for all the things she’s said,
And all the things she never will

I keep saying to myself; “I must somehow release the grip.
I must somehow grieve my loss.
I must somehow move away from this place..”

Blaming words,
Harsh confrontations were thrown at me.
She is angry, for reasons that do not touch me.
I stood tall,
And protected myself from her blows.
“Do not be angry with me.
Do not be angry with me for that..”

I am growing up.
I will someday turn around with bright eyes and realize;
I have released the grip. I have accepted my loss and moved on from this place.

So here, have my tears.
And save yourself from the doom I will obviously inflict by your association with me.

They say time heals all wounds.
Dear God.. I hope so.

Until then,
I will “cope”
And say affirmations
And “forgive”

Until I can breathe again…





…. To be continued…