Sunday, March 28, 2010
Building a Mystery
Saturday, March 27, 2010
my world on my shoulders...
Today I decided that I needed to do a test run. I have my packing list, I have my 75 L backpack; time to see how much STUFF this sucker can pack in. I mean…LOOK AT IT!
It’s HUGE! All these people who’ve “been there done that” all say, “pack what you would need for every possible situation, for ONE day. One of each. ONE of EACH?!?! Yeah. Right. That person probably looked like a backpacker. I refuse to look like a backpacker. Gapyear.com says to “forget the hairdryer and straightener, only pack essential makeup”. Never in my life. I’m sorry, but people judge you on your appearance. You judge others on their appearance. I refuse to be walking around the romantic streets of Paris in cut-off capris and my hair in a sloppy bun because I can’t do anything else with it. So that’s that. I’m bringing my damn hairdryer. Try and stop me.
So this is my pack with MOST of what was on my list. What in the HELL happened??? Where did all that space go?!? (*insert pouty face here). So I took jeans and micro fleece off my list, but everything else stays, so help me god. The pack weighs 32 lbs. My whole life is in that pack. I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous and Closter phobic when I clicked the waist band around me. 32 lbs may not sound like much, but I’m telling you, it's heavy. Ok, if you were curious, here is my list.
I pair of shorts 1 yoga pants, 1 beach shorts
1 pair of capris 1 big/sleeping tee
7 dresses (two beach “cover-ups”) 1 shower/beach flops
2 night/cocktail dresses 1 walking flops (nice ones)
5 tops, 1 black with sleeves 1 hiking shoes
1 jacket 1 heels
1 nice scarf
1 travel towel 1 umbrella
1 poncho day purse/ cocktail purse
7 pairs underwear 1 black bra
2 socks (one thick/long) 1 nude/strapless bra
2 swimsuits 1 sports bra
med kit
earplugs, flashlight, watch with alarm
toiletry bag (which is big and HEAVY)
Bug spray with DEET
HAIRDRYER pillowcase
Jewelry bag silk sleep sak
Electric converter +plugs carry-on bag
Bag cover +lock cameras and gorilla pod
Cards book to read
Notebook travel organizer+copies+extra passport photos
How about THAT for a list!!! I have to bring that amount of dresses because they pack up small and will be my major clothing items. So that’s it, and it ALL fits.. (barely). Souvenirs will be collected at each stop and sent home when they start taking up room.
I walked around my apartment with the pack on for a while. It was quite the sight to see! If I leaned backwards at all I thought I would topple over. (don’t worry grandma, I’ll be getting plenty of massages in Thailand!!) It felt like I had a very large monkey wrapped around my back. 32 lbs… 32 lbs of my life, on my back, for the next … 6 months. Hopefully after that I’ll have a place to call home in Australia for a while and can unpack my bags and put up my feet for a while. Who knows though, that could happen anywhere! The world is my oyster J
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"The dreamers are the saviors of the world... Composer, sculptor, painter, poet, prophet, sage, these are the makers of the after-world, the architects of heaven. The world is beautiful because they have lived; without them, laboring humanity would perish.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Seeing Clearly
“ I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what my life had been like…
All this effort, all this time. Looking through all my old journals, I’ve been writing about the same things over and over again. For YEARS. … for three long years… journals that have been denying who I really am, trying to ignore my dreams and find some sort of middle ground that satisfied my longing and yet felt… safer, more logical. Over and over again it’s the same thing… trying to think of a new dream, something less scary and mysterious. Trying to figure out the unhappiness in my life. Trying to fill the void.
I kept searching to my own frustration for an answer that could not be found. Thinking, thinking, thinking way too much. .. And ignoring the answer that was right in front of me all along.
and then..
“I’m not doing it. Its just habit to think about it. I must not know how to be content. I must be running from something… I can’t go. I should stay here and be with this man because I shouldn’t … I can’t.. “
In one journal where I’m trying to say that I can’t go because this dream is being used to “complete” me, I say, “the travel dream pops in my head every day. But 90% of what you think today is habit. Just recycled thoughts and connections from yesterday”.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A Generalization and a Judgement
Sunday, March 14, 2010
New Healing
Encouragement from Liz
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
a BIG year.
Tomorrow is my 26th birthday. Life is not where I thought it would be when I turn 26. I think maybe I assumed that I would be so grown up, so settled, married. Instead, I am doing the scariest thing in the world for me. The past couple weeks I have been more scared than excited. The time has come to renew my lease for the next year, and I’ll be renewing it for a couple months only. Now, now it is getting serious. I am so scared. When you are this afraid, you feel trapped. I can’t seem to get out of my thinking into the bright happiness I had before.
But the thing is… I know this is part of the deal. I know there are going to be scary times, and elated times. I understand and accept that being this afraid makes it that much more worth it. Being afraid means I am real, and that this is a big deal.
I am not one of “those” travelers. I am not a hippie, I don’t go with the flow. I am a type A personality; I plan and organize and analyze. I can’t go to a street vendor and eat the food and NOT wonder if it’s clean. I don’t have a stomach of steel (quite the opposite). I am responsible, and educated, and cautious. And now.. I am about to embark on a trip that will force me to “go with the flow”, and put myself out there, and be afraid. This trip will literally be the death of me. I will never be the same. It will take who I am and stretch and expand and morph myself into a bigger and brighter soul.
I have written this before; this dream has chosen me more than I have chosen it. This is meant to be. If my grandparents were here, I’d probably cry on their shoulders. But as I sit here feeling the fierce magnitude of my life, I don’t change my mind. Not even for a second. I have taken this journey and have accepted my assignment. And as much as I feel unequipped, I have other compelling qualities that are the sound reason for any confidence. I am strong. I am cautious. I can make friends anywhere. I am organized, and therefore can plan ahead and wont put myself into a bad situation. I have a sense of adventure that has run through my veins since childhood, and an independence that cannot be denied. I have the most supportive friends and family then anyone could ever ask for. I am not soft spoken. If someone messes with me I will NOT take it. I have money, and money makes the world go around. I have a credit card that can get me back home at anytime, from anywhere. There is nothing to be afraid of, I am well equipped. I am obviously talking to my fear here, but already I feel better. I will make it through this fear. I will make it through this fear. Life, like a pendulum, always swings both ways. For months before this fearful period I would cry tears of happiness and feel excitement screaming through my veins. Each time I make it through, I am stronger. The fear means that I am not romanticizing, I am not in la-la land. I understand and accept the pros and cons of this adventure. The biggest pro of all, though, is that I am living a dream. This is my life’s gift.
A quote on my fridge: