a BIG year.

Tomorrow is my 26^th birthday. Life is not where I thought it would be when I turn 26. I think maybe I assumed that I would be so grown up, so settled, married. Instead, I am doing the scariest thing in the world for me.  The past couple weeks I have been more scared than excited. The time has come to renew my lease for the next year, and I’ll be renewing it for a couple months only. Now, now it is getting serious. I am so scared. When you are this afraid, you feel trapped. I can’t seem to get out of my thinking into the bright happiness I had before.

 

But the thing is… I know this is part of the deal. I know there are going to be scary times, and elated times. I understand and accept that being this afraid makes it that much more worth it. Being afraid means I am real, and that this is a big deal.

 

I am not one of “those” travelers. I am not a hippie, I don’t go with the flow. I am a type A personality; I plan and organize and analyze. I can’t go to a street vendor and eat the food and NOT wonder if it’s clean. I don’t have a stomach of steel (quite the opposite). I am responsible, and educated, and cautious. And now.. I am about to embark on a trip that will force me to “go with the flow”, and put myself out there, and be afraid. This trip will literally be the death of me. I will never be the same. It will take who I am and stretch and expand and morph myself into a bigger and brighter soul.

 

I have written this before; this dream has chosen me more than I have chosen it. This is meant to be. If my grandparents were here, I’d probably cry on their shoulders. But as I sit here feeling the fierce magnitude of my life, I don’t change my mind. Not even for a second. I have taken this journey and have accepted my assignment. And as much as I feel unequipped, I have other compelling qualities that are the sound reason for any confidence. I am strong. I am cautious. I can make friends anywhere. I am organized, and therefore can plan ahead and wont put myself into a bad situation. I have a sense of adventure that has run through my veins since childhood, and an independence that cannot be denied. I have the most supportive friends and family then anyone could ever ask for. I am not soft spoken. If someone messes with me I will NOT take it. I have money, and money makes the world go around. I have a credit card that can get me back home at anytime, from anywhere. There is nothing to be afraid of, I am well equipped. I am obviously talking to my fear here, but already I feel better. I will make it through this fear. I will make it through this fear. Life, like a pendulum, always swings both ways. For months before this fearful period I would cry tears of happiness and feel excitement screaming through my veins. Each time I make it through, I am stronger. The fear means that I am not romanticizing, I am not in la-la land. I understand and accept the pros and cons of this adventure. The biggest pro of all, though, is that I am living a dream. This is my life’s gift.

 

A quote on my fridge:

 “This is why we need to travel. If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t life to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.”  Letters to my Son by Kent Nerburn.