A Generalization and a Judgement

I stare lifelessly at the photos flashing before me.

I wish I could say that I'm watching without judgement,

but the truth is, I'm judging every photo, every staged smile, every face staring back at me.

For months now, I've looked at the photos in shock.

Each stage passing with the hundreds of photos,

shock, anger, annoyance, confusion and now...

acceptance.

I guess it comes from the fact that I feel so strongly for my own evolution, and

I find it hard to believe so many would give it up unknowingly

I guess I grew up with these faces...and I always felt one step behind.

I didn't have a ton of friends

I didn't ever really fit in.

I didn't have that happy-go-lucky supportive family.

No fancy clothes.

No fancy cars.

I had nothing

and I felt like nothing as I walked in their shadows.

To say it didn't affect me

or bother me...

would be a waste of a breath

It bothered me

but to have fought it would be futile

Not only did I not have the money or support

I just didn't have the desire to deal with their politics

So instead I worked

and smoked cigarettes

and dealt with my mother and her religious head games.

And then I grew up

I fought long, and I fought hard

I threw away my despair and refused to take no for an answer

No fancy cars, no apartments with my BFF, no spring breaks

Work, school, school, work

And yes, I had some amazing times and I was was incredibly grateful for my life,

but it wasn't easy.

So now I'm 26, I'm sitting in my high rise in Chicago, with this amazing life that I have created; this amazing life that I've done nothing but dream about for years and years.

It is everything I've hoped for;

my family has grown, my friends have expanded out and some deep friendships have expanded deeper

I'm not quite sure why I've had to fight so hard for this life in comparison with others falling into it, but I'm here now. No more fighting.

I am about to live another huge life dream. I'm going to see the world.

I'm going to live more adventures, fall in love, 

live in Australia.

It hasn't been so easy to get here, but oh so worth it...

So... I look at these women now, women I used to look up to, girls I wanted to be

girls I thought had everything

and I judge them a little.

Didn't they have dreams??   Didn't they want anything besides marriage??? 

I mean, I want marriage too, but that comes in its own time.

Until then though.. there's this great big world to experience.

Didn't they want to see anything? Try anything? Meet anyone??

Of course life is far from over for most of us

but once the babies come... a lot of doors open but there are a hell of a lot of doors that close

I look at them, these women,

and I feel sorry for them.

Yes, they may have love before me, but I'll have that one day too. 

They never left. They never will. 

They've had their hay day. They're done. 

I just don't get it.

I stare lifelessly at the photos, and I see people that are exactly the same as 10 years ago. 

No growth. No changes. Same hair, same clothes, same lip gloss.

Call me judgmental, but its tragic. 

These women I used to look up to, are still children, stuck in their box, viewing life with their blinders on. I'm sure they judge me too, I'm very different from them and their mothers and their mother's mothers. But I'm sorry for them. 

They will never go. They will never see.